I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
