I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Randomize
