Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
