good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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