Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
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I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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