I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
