and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
