I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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