Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
