Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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