I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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