meet me or not, i'm out of control
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
