a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
