He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
