I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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