just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
