hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
