i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I FOUND THE LEGS
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
