One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
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