You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
