weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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