I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
