My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
