somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
