So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
