haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
