theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
