Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
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He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
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I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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