you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
