We won't sleep together?
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
