You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
