this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
