I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
