At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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