Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
