I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
