A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
