Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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