Are we in a gay sports bar?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
