how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
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He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
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He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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