Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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