I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
