Reggie can tackle my bush.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
