Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
