She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
