he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
