Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
