Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
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