I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
