Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
