i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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