We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
