Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
