I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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