I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
