What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
