He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
